my phone needs a breathalizer
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
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well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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