four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Randomize
