There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
