after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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