I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
