I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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