Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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