John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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