Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
