My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
