Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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