i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
