Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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