I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There was a lot of him and a little penis
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I intend to get homeless drunk
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
