Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
