there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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