How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
