nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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