Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
