i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Randomize
