I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
