News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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