there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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