I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
