I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
