Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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