i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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