Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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