Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
