Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
