I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize