If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
