whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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