Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
