If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
