Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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