Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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