If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
