soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
we're so committed to being not committed
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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