i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
