I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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