He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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