I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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