my sisters under your porch take her home
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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