standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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