he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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