I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
