Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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