He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
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So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
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I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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