I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
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TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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