Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
