I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
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I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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