I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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