i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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