I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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