I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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