So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
