So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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