Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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