When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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